My First True Love..

I once dated a certain special someone. Let's call him S.

I never really revealed the true story of our breakup, but I knew.. Deep down, that if I had been faithful to him.. I would be married to him now.

So this entry would be dedicated to S. I want to thank him for the love he gave me and all that he ever did for me.

They say that it's always harder to forget your one true love. It's true. Sometimes when I'm travelling along a certain road, my heart suddenly aches with a pain so sharp, it literally takes my breath away. I remember...

I was someone else's rebound at that time. Didn't stop me from falling for him. He was tall, tanned and very muscular. He was a captain of a school's dragonboat team. I was madly crazy over him. He rode a scrambler. I remembered that it was so high and I always had difficulties getting off and on it. Still, it didn't stop me from liking him. Then he introduced me to you. You were funny, good looking in another sense. You weren't that tall, but you were tanned and in very very good shape too. All of us were smokers, but you kept getting me to quit. How ironic. We kept hanging out together. The 3 of us. I cried often, for HE didn't treat me right. HE was still pining for his ex gf. YOU kept lending me your shoulder to cry on. It got too much. We met often and you were always there.

Do you remember the time when E brought us to East Coast (BLT)? Along the way, I stretched out my hand and held yours. Why did I do that? There we are, you on your super good looking red and white yahama, and E on his orange and black KTM. We were going so fast, yet we were grinning away like mad and holding hands. I didn't know what was the significance then, but now I know. It was the beginning of a love story I would never forget.

Fast forward it to Sun Plaza KFC. Do you remember how you told me that if I stopped smoking, you'll quit it as well? I pretended to be really upset at something you said and walked away angrily and that's when you grabbed me from behind and hugged me real tight. That was then the day when we got together and shared our first kiss at Kent Ridge. You were a very good kisser and I had waves of different unexplained sensations coursing through my body. I was so in love with you at that point, nothing else mattered. Initially we didn't want E to know. But who cared about what he thought? I never mattered to him anyway. He didn't want me, he wanted his ex gf. So we got together. Those were the happiest days of my life.

Those nights we spent at Pasir Ris Park, just lying down and watching stars, talking about our future, our dreams.. I never felt so contented in my life. That 2 nights we spent at Pulau Ubin, I'll never forget how we looked for dry wood, cooked instant noodles, slept in each other's arms and bathed together. I even remembered the short road to the toilet at night where I was simply just too terrified to go by myself. But you were there and I wasn't scared anymore.

I remember how you always brought me to the cinema during our anniversaries and bought me my favourite nachos. We weren't very rich then, but we were very happy together. I remember how you went for your dragonboat races, I was always there to cheer you on whether you win or you lose. You were always the best in my eyes. No matter how it was, where everyone were always looking at us (because he's Indian Muslim, I'm filipino chinese), it didn't matter. Religion nor race wasn't an issue. We were in our own protective little bubble. Nothing can touch us.

Then you had to leave. You had to serve your bond and you had to go sailing. I never cried as much then. I couldn't bear to let you go. I promised I will be good, until you came back. You promised to marry me the moment I turned 18. I didn't care if we were too young, too crazy in love. All that mattered was you. But stupid me broke my promise. I got together with this stupid jerk who then went on to break my heart. I thought it was just a mindless fling, someone to keep me occupied till the time you get back. How would I know that you were to find out about it and then leave me because you simply couldn't accept the fact that I cheated on you?

I am so sorry I hurt you that way. Because of my childishness, my stupid thinking.. I allowed myself to hurt you so. And now, 7 years has passed.. And I still couldn't get over you. I wish you well, with all the love in the world. I still love you, Sheikh Ismail Bin Abu Bakar.. But I know, this is a love that will never be 2 way again. But despite all this, I hope that whoever you choose to be with, will be the one who will never hurt you this way and will love you the same way I did, or even more.



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Author's note.

That's the one deep dark secret I've always kept in me. It did feel good to have let it all out. Although I know it's impossible to ever see Sheikh nor even tell him how much I do love him ever again, I know that somehow.. Once in a blue moon, he'll think of me and remember the love we once shared together.

I do not know when I'll ever die, but if I do, I want the whole world and Sheikh to know, that true love, truly do exists.



Make Love, lots of it. Not War.